Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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