He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
