Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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