Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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