Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
