I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
