somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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