I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
