Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
