take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
