he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize