Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
