I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
we're so committed to being not committed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
