Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
