what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
my liver is dry heaving
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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