I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
