I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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