they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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