i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
