Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
