I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
