There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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