I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize