Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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