I wanna bring you to show and tell
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
