did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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