I murdered the dance floor call the cops
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
