Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
