i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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