Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
