ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
