If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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