seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
