normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
