Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
