My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize