i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
