My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
