I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
