she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize