so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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