just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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