Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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