So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize