I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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