your parents love me but you hate me
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
