Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just threw up on my dentist
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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