Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize