I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You work out of a Hotel?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
