I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
