life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
