3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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