What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
