you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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