She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
