Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
