well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
