dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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