So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
