You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
