Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
